Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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