if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
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