YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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