Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
