I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
