Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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