Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
