On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
