Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Man, jail baloney is awful.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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