Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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