As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
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