Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
