I must be too annoying 4 u.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
