Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Randomize
