"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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