Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Randomize
