How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
