I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
