I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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