How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
