Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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