So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
