i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
