my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
