my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
