I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I just want nice things and good sex
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
