you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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