i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
