hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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