I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
