Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Randomize