My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
