before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
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