Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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