Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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