upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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