i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Randomize
