in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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