you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
