The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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