If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
