For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
