i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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