it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
