This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
