you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
