Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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