I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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