you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize