On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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