If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
