just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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