How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I need to sanitize my soul.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
