you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Randomize
