Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
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