even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
