I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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