Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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