I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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