Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize