i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Randomize
